The World Is Comical

The World Is Comical

Yes the world is full of a cruel irony that so many of us have come to know well. I have recently come to terms with the fact that God at times as an obnoxious sense of humor! lol

I finally got the sleep medication back, & free of charge I might add! God is so good to me. I have been literally spiraling into a horrid sleepless existence but He provided for my needs before I could go too far. One thing is for sure, I won't be taking that medicine for granted again!

Nailed

Yesterday, after the babysitter was unable to make it at the last minute, we ended up having to really ha to crunch to clean up the house, get the dr's appts in and keep the kids happy. I got home around 11 and Paul had been working on both the house and work. the kids were happily & busily playing in their playroom (for the most part). When we got everything done & work was over I suggested we go feed the ducks. 

At Garfield Park in Mentor, Ohio we have been feeding the many Mallards and Canadian Geese. It' quite an enjoyable event. However, yesterday there was a man fishing right where the ducks get fed so we ended up going on an adventure to get to the other side of the pond. We found a great clearing where we were able to feed 2 families of ducks. I wanted to go out to a dry spot where the ducks were chilling in the sun, but  there was a muddy path in the way.

I'm assuming someone decided to put down a 2x4 so that people could walk over the mud & into the dry area where the ducks congregate. WRONG. I got to the end of the board & stepped on the sharp part of an old nail inside the board. Of course I fell right into the mood next. The mud was very bad too! I felt so dumb. I wobbled back to the car, terrified I would get trouble from it. We went to urgent care & they made me soak it, and then bandage it up. It didn't hurt last night, but NOW it DOES! 

Chaired

All that said, I will be spending a lot of time on the couch today as it hurts a lot more when I walk it. I can barely step fully down! I also need to get new dressing for the injury. Joy! ALl this and we have the wedding of a dear friend to attend in which I am helping out with, and then Paul's mom coming and then us going to my Moms! I just realized there might be logistics there with normally visiting my mom for this holiday. I'll have to look into it.  

That's really all I have to say.

Oh & BTW

Thanks Paul Corey! We did an awesome job getting the house ready! 

Missing Grandmpa & Grandma

I am tired today. I just awoke...again. No kids yet (gasp!) so I figured I'd try to write a bit about some feelings that came from a dream I Literally just had.

I grew up at my grandparents house for a great duration of my childhood, and half of my high school years. Every weekend, summer, and sick days I would be with them. They have honestly morphed into my Mom & Dad in my heart. I suppose that it is completely valid to feel equally connected to my Aunt Rosie. She is definitely more like a big sister to me than an Aunt. My  mom & I have a great relationship and I am so glad that we are the quirky little family we are, even with all the turmoil  that created us. 

That being said, I dreamed I was helping out at their old green house on Vine Street and that Grandma was gone (died) and Grandpa was out with Uncle Frank doing some random building DIY project. The next door neighbors came over to play in our back yard or something like that and the whole sewage system backed up! I was there desperately trying to get the water to stop running sso the ick water would stop flooding the house! It was quite gross. The end of the dream gave me a few quick feelings:

#1 I took them for granted and I miss them both dearly#2 Even though Grandpa is still living, he will never know me or my kids and I am very sad about that#3 He will never know me as a real person (on meds so I'm not a Narcolepsy monster), nor will he ever get to know my husband or kids. 

This honestly bothers me because there has been so much in my life that has just disappeared and I feel the loss so strongly. Paul informed me that I wake up frequently yelling at him over feeling frustration towards him.  He has caught me shouting "If you had only done it this way, it would have been fine!" and things like that. The funny thing is, when I think of grandpa, I feel shame. I feel like he sees me as a failure, burden and deadbeat. I failed to pay for my college loans, so they fell on him. I even failed to pay back my loan for a car he gave me, even though I paid way more than I borrowed back to the bank. The bank wasn't really very nice about the whole thing, which is why his new wife told me to stop paying because it wasn't doing any good. 
One thing is for sure. He is the closest thing to a dad I have ever known. Sure, I have Roman, my real dad, but he was gone for so much of my life that I don't have that special Father Daughter connection with him. Grandpa worked hard to make sure I had food, clothes, toys, medicine, and what not. He was a grump some times and he has his flaws but he was my dad. 

My heart aches when I think of how little I hear from him. It's supposed to be easy to pick up the phone and call or to drive over & visit but honestly, my heart grows terrified every time I even think of it. I feel guilty and shameful. I feel like a failure and it feels horrid. I look at him now, with his new wife & the fact that he told my mom & aunt that this is the new family he's always wanted, is proof that no matter how hard I've tried to succeed as a woman of God in this life, I'm always just going to be a disappointment in "my fathers eyes." 

I take joy in knowing that my Heavenly father loves me & is always helping me better myself and grow to be like Him. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me, nor will He ever just drop me for some other person who performs better. His banner over me is love and his name for me is Daughter and Princess, Warrior and Jewel. He has for me, every single bit of love that I could ever need. Every ounce of approval that I could ask for and offers an overflowing abundance of affection for me. Still, I miss that Dad I used to be able to call when I was struggling and have that deep theological conversation with. The one I could argue with and find that deeper meaning and the conflicts within my own thinking, only so I could weed them out and find better way of thinking. 
Honestly, I miss him so much it makes my heart sink. I fear mostly the phone call. You know the one, "I'm sorry to tell you but Larry has passed away. The calling hours  funeral will be......" Just the thought makes me nauseous. I dreamed of camping with him and my family. Of him showing my little Jonny how to fish and how to pray. I remember his joy for "his little girl" (aka me)  and see Katherine, name after his wifes' middle name, and wonder how much fun she would have with him while sitting on his lap & listening to Bible stories. 

I miss Grandma too, she was the glue to our family. When she left, it all fell apart. We all went our own ways and little communication happens now. Her words echos in my heart and my ears, "Through it all, Yes Through it all, I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God! Through it all, Yes Through it all, I've learned to depend on Jesus Name." I think of her gorgeous voice, her joy in song and her love of worship. 

I miss you both and I wish you would be here, but I know for whatever reasons, God has taken you elsewhere. I can't wait to see you all again. In that, I find much joy.

 Blessings and remember: 

"Don't it always seem to go  that you don't know what you've got till it's gone..."  

It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed." 1 Cor 15:5

Click to see a video of Grandma!

Dual Postings

Hey what do you know! I'm getting 2 posts in consecutively! Awesome! What went down of great interest in my life yesterday? Well, lets see here, the day started slow, ended late and was overall a pretty good day!

At 12 we headed over to see our grand and wonderful friends the Cole's. I must say Jillian is my favorite friend at the moment. She is full of joy, radiates the Lord and is a great down to earth real person! She always seems to bring me to another level of self awareness which is an awesome attribute of a friend. Helping someone to reflect inwardly is an awesome gift and she definitely has it. Odd enough to say, I think of her quite frequently, especially when passing a flower shop. It just seems I always want to shower her with blessings because my heart is so glad to have her in my life.

Anywho, We hung out with then and Paul worked with Andrew to spread gravel in their driveway while the kids monkeyed around "helping". Jillian and I were able to stay inside and chat over a lovely cup of tea and I got to work on a little of my knitting practice. It was such a nice day! We were able to let the kids play outback while the guys grilled and the girls prepared the rest of the food.A bit later, Jillian (Taste Tester Extraordinaire) assisted me in the fine art of Smoothie Concocting! After a few minute and lots of loud ice crushing and pureeing we had fabulously yummy Strawberry & Banana Smoothies!  Four O'clock rolled around almost instantly it seemed. We had to go as they had evening plans for fishing! I'm so jealous!

More fun was instore for the Corey clan as we drove to the Mall! We didn't intend on heading that way, it just kind of happened. We promised the kids ice cream for being good, but Kat almost immediately konked out being that she skipped her normal nap to attend our little Gravel spreading date. He had a ton of fun though, so I'm glad she came. Paul decided that I had a good idea with feeding the ducks, so I asked if I could get a pretzel while Kat slept in the car! He said yes!!! So it was off to the Barnes & Nobles to grab a quick Spinach & Assiago Toasted Pretzel. Little Did Paul know I also sneaked a surpise slice of Hersheys Cheese Cake for him. Hehe.

I browsed the shelves while there looking for a good Knitting manual and only found the crochet book I was wanting buy. However I'm not really in a crochet mood as I've been really enjoying the 1 knit stick I've learned. It's nice doing something new. Now if only I could get someone to teach me how to play the violin I bought! We left B&N and went to the Mall for ice cream. I took the kids for a pit stop and Paul did his own things while I went to get the kids their ice cream. Orange Julias had HUMONGOUS line, so naturally with my kids being as restless as they are, I went to the next closest yet quick place to kill time until the line got a little smaller. You guessed it. BUILD-A-BEAR!

You who know me are aware that I have a fondness for said stuffed animal workshop. We previously purchased Pinkie Pie & Rainbow Dash (My Little Ponies) so we picked the capes created especially for them. Jonny had to get in on the action so he grabbed some cool early 90's shades for his best bear pal Bubbah. I was happy to indulge in their free beach towel deal as well as their $10 for $5 gift card promo.

We met back up with Paul the kids & Paul ate their ice cream & I went to Auntie Anne' Pretzels to grab my Cinnamon Pretzel nuggets. From there we ventured to Garfield Park in mentor to feed the ducks & geese. I have to say that we  had a BLAST feeding them. The Canadian Geese were a little over zealous, nipping and hissing at every turn trying to get the bread from your hand!They remind me of a sassy rooster we used to have called Ralph Mertz. There were several gorgeous mallards and their babies  along with a few gorgeous white Pekin Ducks there too. They were particularly gorgeous!

It was particularly fun because there was a mommy with her babies swimming on the pond & several older children mallards just moseying around the park begging for food. We did end up having to take our leave not only because our bread was gone but because a few of the Canadian Geese became a bit too enthusiastic. Paul ended up having to defend Kat because it was just as big as her almost! It got something coming to it when it charged and ignored Dad! Paul tapped it with is foot to put it in the correct place! Jonny got to learn the difference between male & female Mallards too. I had such a great time as well as the others. I was tired, but I'm so glad we went!
(pics to come)

When we went home Paul started getting an odd stabbing pain in his back & became very grumpy & tired. He went to bed when we got home for a few minutes. I got the kids & the groceries in and then they watched Madagascar 3 (AKA Afro Circus) & then headed to bed. Paul was so nice as to let me lay down while they finished the movie & we both had to yell to get them in bed. (As per the norm, they resist the doom and gloom of bedtime.)

Sleep was kind of good, but filled with dreams yet again. I can't wait to sleep peacefully and regenerate again! (sounds like some kind of morbid video game talk...hehe) Xyrem is ordered and I'm waiting to get the decision on my application for assistance. I hope it works. We also are awaiting the whole final tax thing & Paul is going to be cleaning out the tent soon so we can use it again! Fathers Day weekend is supposed to have phenomenal weather! I hope we can camp in the backyard for it!

Finally, I started a "sleep/dream journal" to keep track of how my nights go & how the meds I have now are working.

Here's today's entry:

6/8/13
-10pm took Ambien
-12 woke up & took Benadryl
-2am got restless  moved to couch
-2:30 took Aleve & turned on Dream Sleep and tried again
-4:30am got a drink and restarted cd
-6am up for the day (I got to "sleep in" cuz the kids are piled on Paul(which is why I left at 2!))

There you have it. Talk to you soon. Thanks for reading.

Nightlife and Narcolepsy

I am terribly sorry it has been so long since I last blogged. Truth is, things haven't been going too bad, but that was me trying to push through it & God keeping me looking on the bright side. Tonight, all that is starting to collapse because once again, I am losing my mind thanks to the night terrors & paranoia caused by Narcolepsy.

The nightmares have been going on for about 2 weeks now. I have always known of them, but it has been so long that I forgot how seriously they mess with you. It's currently 4:30am and I have a pot of strong coffee brewing and a load of clothes in the wash.

It started with a night terror, waking up thinking there's something wrong with the neighbors talking at 1 am or some odd time like that. Honestly I wasn't looking at the time. I asked Paul to look & he did. I know now that I'm up that it was simply the neighbors out on their deck talking with company. Still it sounded like voices in my house; and they were whispering. Whispering means plotting and plotting means they must be devious. We all know this is not true, but you can't tell my mind that.

Narcolepsy is a horrid beast who steals your sleep and fills your mind with terrible images, unbearable paranoia and then destroys your desire for life and relationships. Your emotions tremendously overwhelmed because you know that everyone around you is living in the real world & can't even begin to relate. Poor Paul has no way to appease the extremely paranoid me at night. He tries, I know he does, to give me comfort as I am totally flipping out, not able to get up, move, or tell whether I am audible or if I'm still in a dream.

Perhaps you have had one of those nightmares where you are trying to scream by no one hears you, or if you've ever had one where you paralyzed and can't make your body tell people you are in pain or that something is happening. This has been my life in dream land for some time. It actually used to be my daylife too. Paranoia gets worse in the day over time without the medication that makes me sleep. It just continues to drain my brain of the sleep it needs to function normally.

Ironically, I sleep much better during the day for some reason. I also don't have as many dreams. The only correlation I have been able to find is that if I sleep on my back, the back of my head always seems to feel really funny when I wake up. I get a really bad headache and can feel a weird rush of chemicals when I wake up. It is really odd. Kind of like when I used to have a sleep attack in High School Spanish class with Mr. King.

He was such a nice guy and a great teacher. He found out that if he came over & touched my shoulder I would wake up. The problem was that if you did that, I simply fell back asleep! He would walk away & out I went. It was such a pain! It got so bad, I was even able to sense that he was coming to wake me up and I would look up, acknowledge him, then go right back into the sleep attack.

He began to then make me stand, which worked wonders. Slowly though, my mind just sank into the system of coping which made me sleep stand and soon I could walk in my sleep too! I remember coming home from Model United Nations meets and falling asleep on one side of the major road and waking up on the other! I've walked into parked cars, walked over 1 mile, and even had full conversations while asleep. My grandpa used to tell me he'd come to get me for dinner when I was in my room & I would curse him out because he tried to talk to me! He had no clue I was asleep! I would be sitting there, wide eyed, watching TV or working on my scrapbook. Little did he know, I was sleeping and auto behavior was taking over. I wasn't even 18 yet.

Honestly, I can't live like this. Perhaps I should just sleep all day and find a night job that pays as much as Paul makes. Sadly, unless I go into naughty phone call industry, (haha, I would NEVER do that) such a feat would be completely impossible, nor would I enjoy it! It's a laugh to imagine though! (Sorry, I just had to add a light-hearted joke in there to lighten the mood)

Downstairs, while I was putting the laundry in I though, "Life, I HATE YOU." IT's just not fair. How do you live this way? You don't, that how. You cope & coping isn't living. You might as well be dead. You are nothing but a burden and a pain to those who have to try to live with you. Your heart and head clash and your emotions make you impossible to please and you're usually a bear. I've found most people with Narcolepsy have either stayed single all their life or their marriage ended in a horrible divorce.

Paul & I just had a fight because he tried comforting me in bed after waking numerous times begging him to look to see what this noise was or because of things I swore were happening. He rubbed my leg and told me I was just dreaming. I got so angry because it's just not fair! I know what I heard! Rationally I also know I was dreaming, but my emotions are ANGRY because he just doesn't know how it feels to know in your rational mind that's fake but feel with everything inside of you that it is 100% REAL!

While writing my kids woke up. Now, I have to get up for real even though I tried getting up to give myself reflection time. Kat is trying to push my hands away from the laptop while I type because she wants attention. Alas, I must end this novel of protest and disgust with the world of Narcolepsy. Please keep me in your prayers.

 I faxed in my paperwork for help with the sleep medication and I hope above hopes it will be processed and I will have it in hand by the end of this week. I have a wedding to go to and the kids are coming with us. I haven't see this wonderful friend in over 5 years. I am excited to see her, but I don't want to see her like this. I don't think I could bear it.

Blessings and have a great day guys. Thanks so much for reading and for your support through prayers, friendship, and just letting me know you're there. Thanks for putting up with me. I love you all.

God Bless

Reviewing the Basics

Graduation, Summer, & Swim

These last few weeks of life have been quite interesting indeed.We have so many plans for the summer that the current present time is evading me. It's almost as though I'm planning for next week, last week! The only thing is that last week came late and I'm all willy nillly trying to get it in order because I'm aware it's late, but it seems that I still have time because I actually have no internal calender that is correctly functioning! 

Phew, I hope that made sense! 

It' true that most days I feel like this! (see above pic)

In all actuality there are some things we are just now approaching or just finished with, that seemed stressful but really didn't turn out to be. 

1. Ariel Arnett's Graduation Party
2. Jonny's ADHD an Sensory Evaluation
3. Camping & trip to my Moms for Memorial Day Weekend
4. Switching Paul's office/the kids play room
5. Losing Insurance (Thus my Medications)

While some of these were obviously fun, they all bring on a lot more stress normally than we like to have in this house. Paul particularly likes having me get the kids ready because just that in itself is stressful for him. Let's not even talk about this weather! He has very light skin and burns easily so we don't really go many places without some trauma in the form of sun burn or grumpy Dads due to terrible overheating. 

Ariel had a great party but our gift flopped in the long run. What was supposed to be a fun & relaxing Spa night out stare fabulously but fatigue got the best of me & I ran a curb slightly on the way home. Poor Ariel got whiplash from the jarring. She went to the docs & is ok, but seemed sad when we said goodbye. But she looked fabulous though!

b4

                               

  b4             after

I ended up going short again from long. I liked it long, but it was getting a little out of sorts with no shape and no real style. I got my basic cut and then colored it when I got home. I go back in july to have it highlighted in Red. I also found out that "The Kids Next Door" is their kids cutting place which apparenlty does awesome hair cut for kids! I can't wait to go!

more later!