I grew up at my grandparents house for a great duration of my childhood, and half of my high school years. Every weekend, summer, and sick days I would be with them. They have honestly morphed into my Mom & Dad in my heart. I suppose that it is completely valid to feel equally connected to my Aunt Rosie. She is definitely more like a big sister to me than an Aunt. My mom & I have a great relationship and I am so glad that we are the quirky little family we are, even with all the turmoil that created us.
That being said, I dreamed I was helping out at their old green house on Vine Street and that Grandma was gone (died) and Grandpa was out with Uncle Frank doing some random building DIY project. The next door neighbors came over to play in our back yard or something like that and the whole sewage system backed up! I was there desperately trying to get the water to stop running sso the ick water would stop flooding the house! It was quite gross. The end of the dream gave me a few quick feelings:
#1 I took them for granted and I miss them both dearly#2 Even though Grandpa is still living, he will never know me or my kids and I am very sad about that#3 He will never know me as a real person (on meds so I'm not a Narcolepsy monster), nor will he ever get to know my husband or kids.
This honestly bothers me because there has been so much in my life that has just disappeared and I feel the loss so strongly. Paul informed me that I wake up frequently yelling at him over feeling frustration towards him. He has caught me shouting "If you had only done it this way, it would have been fine!" and things like that. The funny thing is, when I think of grandpa, I feel shame. I feel like he sees me as a failure, burden and deadbeat. I failed to pay for my college loans, so they fell on him. I even failed to pay back my loan for a car he gave me, even though I paid way more than I borrowed back to the bank. The bank wasn't really very nice about the whole thing, which is why his new wife told me to stop paying because it wasn't doing any good.
One thing is for sure. He is the closest thing to a dad I have ever known. Sure, I have Roman, my real dad, but he was gone for so much of my life that I don't have that special Father Daughter connection with him. Grandpa worked hard to make sure I had food, clothes, toys, medicine, and what not. He was a grump some times and he has his flaws but he was my dad.
My heart aches when I think of how little I hear from him. It's supposed to be easy to pick up the phone and call or to drive over & visit but honestly, my heart grows terrified every time I even think of it. I feel guilty and shameful. I feel like a failure and it feels horrid. I look at him now, with his new wife & the fact that he told my mom & aunt that this is the new family he's always wanted, is proof that no matter how hard I've tried to succeed as a woman of God in this life, I'm always just going to be a disappointment in "my fathers eyes."
I take joy in knowing that my Heavenly father loves me & is always helping me better myself and grow to be like Him. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me, nor will He ever just drop me for some other person who performs better. His banner over me is love and his name for me is Daughter and Princess, Warrior and Jewel. He has for me, every single bit of love that I could ever need. Every ounce of approval that I could ask for and offers an overflowing abundance of affection for me. Still, I miss that Dad I used to be able to call when I was struggling and have that deep theological conversation with. The one I could argue with and find that deeper meaning and the conflicts within my own thinking, only so I could weed them out and find better way of thinking.
Honestly, I miss him so much it makes my heart sink. I fear mostly the phone call. You know the one, "I'm sorry to tell you but Larry has passed away. The calling hours funeral will be......" Just the thought makes me nauseous. I dreamed of camping with him and my family. Of him showing my little Jonny how to fish and how to pray. I remember his joy for "his little girl" (aka me) and see Katherine, name after his wifes' middle name, and wonder how much fun she would have with him while sitting on his lap & listening to Bible stories.
I miss Grandma too, she was the glue to our family. When she left, it all fell apart. We all went our own ways and little communication happens now. Her words echos in my heart and my ears, "Through it all, Yes Through it all, I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God! Through it all, Yes Through it all, I've learned to depend on Jesus Name." I think of her gorgeous voice, her joy in song and her love of worship.
I miss you both and I wish you would be here, but I know for whatever reasons, God has taken you elsewhere. I can't wait to see you all again. In that, I find much joy.
Blessings and remember:
"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone..."
It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed." 1 Cor 15:5
Click to see a video of Grandma!
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